Twenty Years Later: What I’d Tell a New Ministry Wife
I recently attended an ordination service for a new pastor at our church. As usual, I was choked with emotion the entire time. It’s a moving and sacred thing to witness godly men lay their hands on the one being ordained, affirming his call to shepherd the flock of Christ. Besides, I have the extra blessing of watching the event unfold from the front pew beside my husband, who is himself a pastor.
These services always remind me of Nathan’s ordination twenty years ago. That day, the pastor’s wife, a seasoned woman with well over 20 years of experience, gave me a card. Inside, she wrote a note of encouragement and, but also words that spoke to the difficult realities of a life in ministry. Her words have stayed with me all these years.
Now, I’m the one with two decades of experience as a pastor’s wife, watching younger women enter ministry with all its blessings and burdens. So, at the recent ordination, I gave the new pastor’s wife a little gift and a card, wanting to bless her the way the seasoned pastor’s wife had blessed me years ago.
Maybe you’re a new-to-ministry wife, excited about what’s ahead but also apprehensive. While I’m still learning and growing, I can pass on some of what God has taught me over the last twenty years, in hopes that it will encourage and strengthen you.
- Your greatest ministry to your husband, your family, and your church will flow from your relationship with God. Pursue your relationship with Him at all costs. It’s easy to get busy with all that goes along with ministry life while neglecting the one thing that matters. Make time with God, in prayer and in His Word, your highest priority.
- You may feel watched, and to an extent you are, but resist the urge to turn your life into a performance. Early in my ministry, the pressure to prove myself a good pastor’s wife and a good mother nearly crushed me. And it led me to place unrealistic expectations on my children. Years later, I now know it’s far better to let the church see our humanity. This doesn’t mean you neglect the pursuit of holiness. But it does mean you can exhale and let down the guard that keeps others from seeing your real life and struggles.
- Avoid the trap of comparing yourself to other ministry wives. It’s tempting to look around at the other ministry wives and think that you would be better suited for your role if you were more like them. I used to lament over all the things I saw in others that I wasn’t. I wasn’t a piano player or singer. I wasn’t content to sit quietly in the shadows. And I wasn’t interested in decorating the church for anything. But God has since taught me that my gifts and personality are exactly as He would have them. To try to be someone else is to disregard His wisdom in both making you as you are and calling you to be a pastor’s wife. Trust God to use you as He’s made you.
- Find other ministry wives to talk with and lean on. Don’t underestimate how helpful it is to have others who understand the road you’re walking. Hearing that they bear the same burdens somehow makes the heaviness less heavy. And celebrating the blessings with another who understands the nuances makes them all the sweeter! Besides, you will need a safe place to share when it isn’t wise to share with others in your congregation.
- Which leads me to this important lesson I’ve learned the hard way: pray for, and practice, discretion in your speech. Proverbs 18:21 illustrates the deep and far-reaching impacts our speech can have. Be especially careful about discussing church conflicts or tensions between members. And be on high guard against sharing or “venting” your personal frustrations and criticisms with others in the congregation. It isn’t wise, and rarely is it loving. Inevitably, you will know more about the goings-on at the church leadership level than others. But a wise woman knows that these aren’t her stories to tell, or her information to share. Being trustworthy with sensitive information and guarding unity by not discussing conflicts is so important.
Just like everything in life, being a ministry wife is a steep learning curve. Most of what I’ve learned has come through the mistakes I’ve made. But it’s in light of those very mistakes that I’ve come to see this comforting truth: God does not wash His hands of us because of our failures. I’m constantly amazed at how patient Jesus was with his disciples. Over and over again, they gave Him every reason to set them aside for better candidates. But He didn’t. Instead, He was patient with them, suffering through their immaturity while continually teaching, forgiving, and refining them.
He’s done the same with me, Dear One. And He’ll do the same with you.